Wow. So much has happened since my last post that it’s going to take me a while to catch up with everything! But, as Julie Andrews would put it, let’s start from the very beginning…
In the beginning God created the heavens and the thesis. Now the thesis was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the pages, and the Spirit of the Ph.D. was hovering over the cover.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning — the first day.
And God said, “Let there be an instrument to separate light into its constituent components.” So God made the instrument and separated the light. And it was so. God called the instrument “spectrograph.” And there was evening, and there was morning — the second day.
And God said, “Let the data from the spectrograph be gathered to one place, and let results appear.” And it was so. God called the results “original,” and the gathered data he called “useful.” And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds. Especially coffee.” And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing coffee beans. And God saw that it was gooooooood. Unless it came from the ESO machine. And there was evening, and there was morning — the third day.
And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark bouts of insomnia, and days and years, and let there be lights in the vault of the sky to give light to the thesis.” And it was so. God made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the extension of the day after office hours. He also made the stars. They were the best bit. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night and the student, and to separate the light (astronomy) from darkness (astrology). And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning — the fourth day.
And God said, “Let the thesis team with pretentious words, and let ideas and inspiration fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” So God created the great chapters of the book and every pretentious word with which the thesis teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every major result according to its kind. And God saw that it was getting there. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the chapters with figures and references.” And there was evening, and there was morning — the fifth day.
And God said, “Let the examiners produce living doctors according to their kinds: the quietly confident, the outwardly nervous who move along the ground, and the wild perfectionists each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the doctors according to their kinds, the astrophysicists according to their kinds, and all the consequential subsets according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
Then the Examiner said, “Let us make Amy Tyndall in our image, in our likeness, so that she may rule over the doubts of the past four years, and the problems that tried to get in her way, over the hard work and all the wild tantrums, and over all the internal creatures that told her she’d never make it.”
So the Examiner created Amy Tyndall in his own image,
in the image of a doctor he created her;
male and female he created them.
God blessed them and said to her, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and pass on the knowledge. The viva lasted for just two hours, being nowhere near as horribly dramatic as anticipated and resulting in mostly typos for the thesis corrections, so take this new-found confidence and rule over your next life project.” Or something along those lines. This was a long time ago.
Then God said, “I give you every opportunity-bearing path on the face of the whole earth and every idea that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all your future happiness on the earth and all your new plans and all your upcoming adventures — everything that has the potential of life in it — I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very, very, VERY good. And there was evening, and there was morning — the sixth day.
Thus the Doctorate and nine years of study were completed in all their vast array.
By the seventh day Amy had finished the work she had been doing; so on the seventh day she rested from all her work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it fantastic, because on it she rested from all the work of creating that she had done. Thus the Doctorate and nine years of study were completed in all their vast array.
And it was good.
Hasta la proxima,
(P.S. This blog post was adapted from Genesis 1-2:2. I’m allowed to change it, because my Daddy is a vicar and God told him it was ok.)